XXXIV

holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned
-AG

So, I've let go. I've stepped out and dipped myself clean. This is me, naked and bruised. I've let out my inner thoughts and this is how i feel. Because despite how you treated me, I still want you in my life. But for once, "I want you to work for it." I want you to show me you want to be there. Show me you give a shit. I would try and try to make you stay, but you wouldn't anyway. So for once, I want to see if its true what they say; you will come back if i let you go. And If you do, then I know you're here to stay.
I'm beautifully broken inside, my thoughts are unspoken and my tears remain uncried. But i will get this through to you. One way or another.
The kid inside of me is the only thing that keeps me sane. She holds my heart together in place like it's her old torn kite. 'Cuz that's exactly what it is to you, a game. "And I'm tired of being the fucking ball." I do what all little girls do, I blame myself. More than often I have stared at the ceiling and wondered what the hell is wrong with me. But now i refuse to do it. The kid has grown up and she's done blaming herself.
The most frustrating thing is knowing you have all the answers but no one is willing to ask you the questions.
So now I'm starting over. starting fresh.I'm walking away but I don't know where I'm going 'Cuz sometimes you just have to put one foot in front of the other and hope to God the road leads somewhere. Somewhere, Anywhere, but not here.